Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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