I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
