Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I want to fling myself into the sun
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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