I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
