Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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