2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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