I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
