GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
