I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
