I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
