I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
