someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
