My brain says no but my pants say off.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
