the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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