Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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