Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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