note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So vagazzling was a success
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
