The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
