I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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