so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
