some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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