atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
