Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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