Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
