listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
