i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
