My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
