Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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