Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
