Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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