some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
