im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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