I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
