advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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