I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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