I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
