Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
