Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My hand turned me down
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
