sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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