Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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