It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
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