I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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