so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
