she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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