Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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