apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
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