I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
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