I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
