i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Redeem this text for a blowjob
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
