i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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