i was born a porn star she said
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
