I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
