he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
