Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
