You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
